i have a sweet daughter. she is a toddler. she is infuriating. and adorable. and hilarious. ive never felt as much real joy as when i am with her. ive never felt more outside myself. never more sure of what matters in life. never more unsure of who i am, or where i am going. never more conflicted about use of time: the everyday, travel, or family visits. never more aware how fragile and fleeting moments are. never more sure that God exists and is present with us. never more exhausted or overwhelmed. never happier. (though i am a realist who says what i am feeling in all moments, so most people think i am most often unhappy. this is inaccurate. im just honest).
since before we got married my husband and i have discussed having kids. what a funny thing to discuss and decide on before we know what it will actually be like! (we all do it). he wanted more kids than me. he never considered adoption. all i wanted to do was adopt. we got married anyway. and im glad! (obviously). but, oh the talks we’ve had! disagreements all around.
our daughter. if you’d asked either of us the first two months of her life if we would have another, we would probably have yelled a resounding “NO!” at you before you even finished asking the question. i dont know if you know this, but babies starts smiling around 2 months. and this can capture your heart in ways you never thought possible. it can happen to moms and dads. it happens to a lot of moms. in our family, dan was the first to go. in the way that i mean anyway. (of course this girl had me at hello…or maybe just after hello 😉 ) but SHE had me. not some other future baby. just HER. i am very stubborn about separating her from the world of babies. just because she got me, doesnt mean im ready for another. (and i may never be, but thanks for your opinion on the subject).
more discussions ensued. more disagreements. more stubbornness (from me mostly). i had a traumatic birth, yes. that was one of the reasons for stubbornness. i think, give a girl time, you know? this is a big deal. also, realize staying at home as a mom means a lot (even if you go to a job also it means a lot to have a baby) because after youre pregnant forever, then you push this baby out of yourself (or it is removed another very painful way from your body), then your whole body is still enslaved to that baby!! nursing, no sleep, covered in spit up or poop, or both! not being able to eat certain foods that the baby cant handle. all. day. long. in my life anyway, my husband goes to work. he’s gone 12 hours a day. 5 days a week. having a baby, or a second baby, is very different for him. it just is, you know? you get to keep your body, sir!!!! sounds luxurious to me. but, i get that the grass is greener. just saying my perspective is all.
anyway, it’s 1 year and 4 months later now. this girl has my heart. i cry thinking of another baby because i want to love her with my time, my money, my everything. i want her to have all of me. but, she loves babies. i mean loves. we went to see my friends two month old twins yesterday, and when she wined when i held one of the babies my friend thought it was because she was jealous. nope. it’s because she loves babies. she wants that baby more than me, more than anything. and my husband. he is sweet. he is my best friend. no matter what problems or struggles we have had. we are best friends and we want what is best for each other. he is an excellent dad. seriously. you should see his joy when she is happy. when she dances. its beautiful to see. it’s a picture of how God looks at us as His children.
so here i am. my daughter wants a baby, my husband wants a baby. ok. i understand. i dont feel pressured. i feel like time has cured my stubbornness. my selfishness. i feel like God can redeem my birth experience. i trust that. i see the struggle of everyday motherhood. of toddlerhood. of parenthood. and since i have already entered into it, i think why not continue it? im sure the joy another child adds will supersede the everyday struggles in the early years. im sure we are going to miss it. these simple moments at home watching our child discover the world. watching them learn to smile, crawl, sit up, walk, dance, talk, love. i am sure we are going to miss it. so, let’s do it. and let’s enjoy those moments. let’s laugh when they poop on us, and let’s take a picture to remember the simpler times. when going to target alone was so much fun to us. when getting out of the house once a day was a victory, no matter where we went. when that cup of coffee was not only warmed up 5 times that morning, but still tasted like the sweet nectar of the gods because it got us through the day. it’s all worth it. and i know that.
(ps. we are still going to do foster to adopt one day. and we are not pregnant nor hoping to become pregnant soon. i have simply began to realize many important things about life which i am sharing with you, one of them being that children add to life. and i will try for another sometime).