i grow in circles. like crops. im scared of everything, and then i do it anyway. i want to wish things back. wish things away. jump over hurdles; instead of walking through them. im aware: life happened. life will happen. and, life is happening.
to grow from the past.to live in the moment. to find joy; today. these are my new goals.
dear yesterday: i miss you. you were the most like the me i hope to be. at least from today, you are the most appealing. the most hopeful. the most active. we road our bikes across the country, yesterday. we graduated from a college we loved; with people we love. and miss. we lived in and enjoyed nashville. we lead a bike tour with venture expeditions and felt whole. we were free, yesterday.
dear tomorrow: you are so daunting. i both long for and despise you. you make me feel worried, and distant. you make me feel burdened. where will we go, tomorrow? who will you let me be? who will you let me meet? how long will you give me, tomorrow?
dear today: you feel like the middle in so many ways. like the crux. i will change, today. i will. but you dont let me. you always get in my way and give me grief. you make me feel guilty. the only thing i can promise you, today, is that i will follow through with whatever i told my kid we would do today. everything else i say we will do, today, is based on what i feel. yesterday tells me to enjoy today. to live today. i try and listen, but today is so demanding. today taunts at me to waste my time. but tomorrow reminds me i dont know how many today’s are left. the todays will end. and they might end as soon as tomorrow.
im not confident. i want to write a book. be a good mom and wife and friend. i want you to remember me. i dont want to be famous. i want you to remember me. i want you to like me. not for validation. almost just because i want to help you enjoy life. i want to etch each of my moving memories into my brain and be those versions of myself: today. i dont want to wish today away to be back at yesterday. i dont want to wish tomorrow to come sooner than it can, or require of it to fulfill my fantasy idea of life. i want to take today at face value. walk in it. “walk in love” (ephesians 5:2 which is tatooed on my left foot). “walk in wisdom” (colossians 4:5 which is tattooed on my right foot). i want to have goals like: have joy. and walk in love and wisdom. instead of specific unattainable goals that i likely wont fulfill. i want to pray for tomorrow. take time to listen. and then walk. act. love. be.
lets do this, today.
ps. watch out tomorrow, we are starting counseling!