on waiting to become myself.

i guess i dont exactly know what to tell you. here i am again. hoping to reboot my blog. hoping to say something that resonates…somewhere. hoping to say something that unlocks parts of me i haven’t been listening to. i’ll tell you about my style. i annoyingly do not use correct punctuation. and i start sentences with “and”. i dont capitalize. and i find there to be power in fragmented sentences. i want to write a book. in fact, i have a few dozen written, and/or partially written chapters. i know when i finish it one day, i’ll have to use punctuation. i will. dont worry.

i guess i have just been thinking of how i am always waiting. thinking: “i’ll stop binge watching tv after {insert name of show here} ends”, “i’ll read my Bible after i watch tv while i eat lunch”, “i’ll clean the house after i get over being sick”, “i’ll do better…tomorrow”. i think i am always waiting. reminds me of matthew perryman jones’ song “waiting on the light to change”. i’ll move when the light changes; when {insert problem or obstacle here} is resolved.

well, that will never happen. not to depress you (or myself), but obstacles will continue to show their wait prompting face over and over. endless amounts in this life. which is not depressing at all if we continue on the path in front of us regardless. but when we (when i) remain in one spot waiting on the light to change? im not ever going to move. i wont give it all away just yet, but one of the chapters in my future book is entitled “movement in the midst of uncertainty”; a concept that feels obviously familiar, but difficult to surmount.

i am uncertain, after all. so… why would i move? the answer lies in the simply complex issue of necessity. i must move because life is uncertain. tomorrow is not certain. doing something i feel pulled towards, being a present mom, getting things done that need getting done; these things can be prioritized, but they cannot be ignored. i cannot wait to do each of these things.

i guess the cause of this reaction to wait to do things, is what happened to me underneath. in the depths of me. something we all crave and move towards, beginning when we are small (maybe around 2, i am noticing), is this desire for autonomy. to decide what to do with our time, and other assets. autonomy is not the end goal for me, as i believe in a God who is before me and behind me. Who was and Is and always will Be. but, that truth doesnt mean my craving for control over my time and space isnt real; or that it is diminished.  it is real. and it is lost when you become a parent. some of it goes when you get married. but, when you become a parent. it is lost. and that is okay. but picking up the pieces of who you felt/feel you were made to be feels daunting. tiring. like something to definitely put off while you binge watch so. much. tv.

now i am seeing the more i watch tv. the more i wait to be. the more i long for something i am missing. the less comforted i feel. the more alone. i am seeing that i cant wait anymore. so, i guess i wont. so i guess i’ll write. i guess i’ll read. and i guess i’ll ignore the tv more than i ignore God. more than ignore myself.


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